For Zach

Do you have music that finds its way to the painful places in you that are hidden from the world? I wish I understood the power of music. I wish I knew how it cuts through the dross and finds the me that needs to grieve and cry and mourn.

I was doing fine this morning and then a song by the Avett brothers found its way to my grief. You see, two days from now is the anniversary of my oldest son's death. Zach took his life in 1999. I miss him. When I see him in my mind, I see him smiling. It was just a few weeks before he took his life and I see him smiling. He had a great smile. Zach was like the weather, when he was happy he seemed to shine like the sun and when he was upset and angry he was like a thunderstorm that never let loose, just boiling inside, dark and foreboding but never releasing its energy.

Ya know, I didn't get up this morning expecting to come to Starbucks and find myself listening to the Avett Brothers and crying while preparing for this coming Sunday. I didn't know I would write about this in my blog, of all places. Here I sit, crying and writing. People are all around going about their daily business, getting coffee, meeting and enjoying their day. I guess that is as it should be. Makes me wonder about all the other people in this world who cry through their days and I never take notice. Kinda humbling.

Zach had a great voice. I remember first hearing him sing. I don't remember how old he was, really young, and I heard him singing the Righteous Brothers and thinking that it was the radio. I miss him.

It's a mystery to me how certain notes and tones and rhythms that we call music conspire to open in me the doors I didn't realize were shut. Out comes the pain. Out come the questions. Out come the feelings I don't know how to name or how to deal with. Those wiser than me say that one grieves alone and mourns in community.

I don't know, is there any difference? I suppose there is. But whether I share my grief with others and call it mourning or not, I still find that the pain does not diminish. Its sharpness never wanes. But, I suppose it is no longer my enemy. It’s not a friend. It’s just a part of me.

Zach loved music. Music is so amazing. I guess music opens me up so I can grieve; it opens me up so my mourning helps me to see those around me, who, like me, have doors holding back their pain. Some say that God sung creation into being. I like that. I like to think that Zach and God are singing other universes into being.

I wish I was hearing Zach sing this Avert Brother's tune.

For Zach. I miss you.